setasaway's Blog

Recently I’ve been making many new friends, but I feel like I’ve been neglecting something important; myself. I’ve been enjoying the past weeks immensely, but I haven’t been taking care of other things that need doing. For example, on Friday, I went to winter activity day and had a blast snowboarding with my friends. I haven’t done something like that with people that are enjoyable to hang out with in a long, long time. And it felt great. Honestly, at first I was kind of hesitant to go, because I knew that there were many units to do for school, and even though I wasn’t falling behind, I really should still be working. This all changed though, when I got there and breathed in the fresh air. Work is all well and good, but sometimes there are times to stop and smell the roses, or in this case carve the slopes with friends. Although Ben and Jeff didn’t come, two new friends came and they were both really fun to talk to as well. Teaching Cindy to snowboard was pretty interesting, and Phoebe was adventurous enough to tackle a black diamond with me and Kyle. I personally don’t have problems with blacks, but she had never done it before; as my first time she was pretty hesitant to go but we all made it down just fine.

As much as I would like to cast aside stuff that I have to do, I can’t and there are many things that I still have left to do. For example, my Powerpoint is still not finished, and I’m going to be presenting tomorrow. I have to review and change some things on my OUAC thing; change a few university decisions. There are also some other personal goals to accomplish throughout this week, and NLS (look forward to?) on the weekend. I really wanted to hang out with my friend’s during next week, since it’s Chinese New Year, as well as Valentine’s Day. I look forward to tomorrow, with as much anticipation as well as fear. As with every day that passes, I will try my best to make it work for me, and regardless of whether I want to do something or not, I know what is good for me; if it’s worth doing and it benefits me, than there is no excuse not to do it.

One last thing; when I was in the library on Tuesday picking up books for my research essay, I was looking at the library out the window at the half-light and cloudy morning and I felt a pang of longing in my heart. Seeing that view, it reminded me of all the times that I spent in the library during Gr.s 9 and 10. Even though I was not as happy during those times as I am now, the library used to be my refuge from everything; I’d stay a period or two at the cubicles overlooking the lake and just grab a book and read. It was one of the very few times that I was able to feel at peace, and not have constant troubles marauding around my head like rabid dogs. There are many other things that I’ve been remembering recently, but I don’t have time to talk about them. I have my racist Powerpoint to finish.

Today has been the worst day at school in a long, long time. To start it off, everything began later, meaning that I woke up pretty damn late. This in itself is not too bad a thing, but the fact that I realized how late it was late is pretty damn disappointing in itself. Being as late as I was, I tried to shave and whatever, but my sister was taking a bath in the morning…great. I had to move all my stuff into the downstairs bathroom, and as a result everything was rushed and harried. I had enough time to find my pants, but no time to find a proper uniform shirt, so I just went to school with the one I fell asleep in; a white golf shirt. It looks pretty good, but obviously the administration would notice the thing. Sigh…I wasted 10-15 minutes trying to find something in the loaner closet to wear, and had to settle for some stupid sweater. I’m not even wearing it right now, it is hot, itchy and it makes me sneeze. To top it off, my average for BBB is apparently freaking terrible now. I don’t even know what happened, but there are a lot of units that I have to work on in order to get the stupid mark back up. I have so much garbage to work on now, and I can’t talk to any of my teachers today because for some convenient reason, they are all MIA. I am stuck downstairs, not wearing the sweater, because this is the only place that I have immunity. Valerie told me something today as well, but I couldn’t even hear what she said, so I have to go and find her later to find out what it was. I am tired, irate and extremely hot; this stupid girl beside me has her laptop fan blowing the damn hot air on me; and I just moved. Maybe I’ll just work on stuff that I don’t have to see my teachers for. There are just too many things today that I can’t do today because of my current predicament. Oh ya, and I forgot my earphones as well, because of rushing. I did manage to remember my swimming trunks and towel though; maybe some swimming is what I need to get my mind off of today. My allergies are starting to annoy me as well, and I don’t have any more of the allergy medicine pills to take to get rid of them. Yet, even because of all of this I do not want to go home, nor have I even seriously considered this option for a second. The problems with today were caused by me, and not the school; ok well some of them are. Tonight I also have to look up and ask for books from the library site for my religion ISP which I have to do again. What a pain. I’m expecting work to get done in the afternoon, as I am assuming that Comm will be closed as it is open right now (it is morning atm). Right, and my English essay that I spent three days working on? Wrong format, so I have to redo the whole freaking thing. Apparently it’s good for what it is, but is not the right type of work, meaning that I have to start from scratch. My allergies are worse than ever now, and I am extremely annoyed. I can’t wait for lunch to finally come around because, seriously, I could take a lull in this tide of bad news.

Of late, I’ve been feeling somewhat…not content, but at least felt that I knew what was going on with people around me, and of what my situation is. I thought I knew when things were going to happen, at least in a somewhat decent timeframe, and I thought that I knew the people who were involved in it, thoughts and whatever. Not anymore, however. There are many meanings that these things could take on now, and I have no clue which one to follow. As with most situations that have multiple outcomes, some are bad, some are good, and some are…in between. Any organized thoughts that I may have had have been scattered to the winds, and any emotions are now currently conflicting with each other. What is weird is that, everything started to fall apart like a badly made card house when I got home; school was great as always. I slip away from real life for a few hours and problems have arrived at my metaphorical doorstep in droves. I feel absolutely terrible about how I’ve treated some people, and neglected others. Unaware of other peoples feelings and emotions, or at least ‘thinking’ that I know what they feel…sigh this is confusing. I don’t know what their positions are at all, except for my closest friends. The other people are about as clear to read as mud. It’s like trying to interact with a person that has some sort of disorder; you have no idea what they mean, feel or are trying to communicate to you at all. I don’t really have this problem, because I usually only talk to my closest friends, but lately I’ve made a few new friends. As good as people as they undoubtedly are, I have no idea what kind of people they are, because I am seeing little bits of everything coming from them.

Am I supposed to assume that I should try and ‘profile’ them like some kind of professional, which I am not? Should I just go along with everything that happens, and see what happens in the end? Making new friends is never easy, unless they are equally reciprocating in the new relationship. Some people are more socially amicable than others, and others at times seem like they are, yet they shut themselves away the next minute. How do you communicate with someone when you have nothing to say to them, when you are at a loss of words? Or maybe they just appreciate your company while you are both working, which I guess is something. It reminds me of…never mind. I want to be more open with everyone, but it is against my personality to do so; whenever I try to say something, I find a part of my brain blocking me from doing so. Whatever the reason for this, it may be for a good reason, or perhaps it sees something that the other side of my brain doesn’t see. I will be seeing a good friend today, although I can’t really talk to him about serious things; he is just really fun to be around. Maybe I can relax this weekend and just enjoy myself, and come back to these things during the weekday. I want to buy more blocks.

It’s dark outside, with rain drops spattering against the window, while the interior of the school glitters to the outside world. Within is our own world, Ward. Right now, there isn’t anything really happening right now, but there is a sense of underlying calm that permeates the building, and settles within your bones. I can feel it now, numbing sharp senses and emotions, and replacing them with a fuzzy, warm sense of complacency. I hate this feeling, yet at the same time I like it. On one hand, it feels good to have things numbed, but on the other, this feeling does not have me motivated to do anything today. All I managed to do today was complete one unit, and nothing else. The last period I have been listening to music and watching great dancing performances. I can only wait for lunch, and hope things get better from there. Right now, I feel completely exhausted, and have nothing to do. On the other hand, there is swimming after school, although I don’t know if I will be able to go; I am completely exhausted.

Today is turning into complete shambles. My keyboard is no longer working properly –again-, and is producing eights like a retard. My earphones have just died, at least one ear has at any rate. It’s only a matter of time for the other to follow, which means I have to make a stupid trip to the mall to get a new pair. Due to unforeseen circumstances, there are other things that have moved beyond my control as well. I really don’t want to go swimming today. A friend is joining me downstairs period 5, and I’d rather hang out here than potentially kill myself doing something that I really don’t feel like doing today. In fact, I can just go swimming tomorrow as well as the day after. It is just one disaster after another. The only constant that I can see is not changing? My schoolwork. If that is something to be glad for, than at least it’s something. Because nothing else is going my way at all. I can’t possibly see today getting any better at all. It is still raining, meaning that I will be walking home in it.

What makes a friendship happen, and what breaks it apart. In the last year, I’ve made two good friends, and lost two good friends. Is it funny? No, it’s not. When you can see how drastically a person has changed, from the amazing person they used to be, into something…else it’s rather depressing. Especially when the change is for what you would consider for them a change for the worst. I lost Jessica as a friend today. I thought that we were always close friends, but I guess not. I told her about asking Karen out, thinking that, as she had supported me before we were going out, that she would support me now. I myself hold no hatred towards her for finding someone a month or two after we broke up. I guess this requires a bit more background, for anyone that is still reading this.

I am extremely disappointed in myself; I knew that I was not talking to her clearly, yet I was quite frustrated at her for something that had happened previously, a few days earlier. Can I, in good consciousness, say that what I did was right? No. Can I say that I was completely at fault here? Not safely, no. When you see someone close disappear from your life, potentially forever then…what? Do I want her as a close friend? Of course I do. I will not lie to myself; I hate lying and people that think that it will save them from something. I do not run from problems; if they require time then I will give them time, but I will not run from them. During our conversation, it was obvious that it was just another one of many arguments that we’ve had. What started it though, was when I noticed, in her previous blog post that she didn’t think she had any real friends. An interesting question for sure, because there are many people that have small insecurities like this. Friends though…this is completely different. You cannot force someone to be your friend, just as you cannot force someone to do anything. If they are going to be your friend, than give it time. If it wasn’t meant to happen, than don’t worry about it. I truly believe that we were close friends though, because there were many things that clicked. I don’t know if she wants to be my friend anymore though, this argument was terrible. I have friends, close friends that I can trust, but she is one of the very few, the only other one that I would let go last. What we had, at least what I believed, was something special, a true friendship. Can I truly think of myself as a real friend after today though? No, what I’ve done was evil. Just as I have many times before, I let my emotions take over instead of thinking logically, and responded to her sarcasm with anger. This is NOT how to handle a true friendship. I never took into consideration her own situation, which is quite frankly a lot harder to deal with than mine. I’m not going into specifics, since she has asked me for silence on the subject, but it is pretty serious. To add to that, there is the insecurities about now having friends and what did I do just now? Made it seem like I was one of the biggest assholes she knows. Would she be better off with or without me as her friend? There is no doubt in my mind of what she thinks of me right now, but I will always be waiting here. Real friends are hard to find, and if you are going to see them disappear, then you’d better have a real good reason.

Jessica, if you read this, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I hope your life turns out well for you, and you meet with much success. Goodbye, my friend.

Life is like a game almost, a real-time strategy. I find myself having to put myself forward little by little, expanding only when its safe, and even then I have to build defences and take precautions in case these expansions get destroyed. Every little bit counts, and as time goes on, you should keep advancing through different, higher tiers or else you are dead. You need to constantly improve, upgrade, and above all manage your resources wisely. You need to plan ahead for conflicts, and fight these conflicts on your terms. If this is unavoidable, than you had better be good at micromanagement, or controlling individuals in such a way that it promotes the health of the greater army. The skill of micromanagement is mastered by very few; not even I am exceptionally good at it. However, I do have it to some extent, which I am very proud of. Being able to control many elements and functions of a RTS, and real life is almost essential in survival. There are many good players, people, and enemies out there, and you have to decide who to befriend, fight with, and against.

Building your base, your structures, your fundamentals is key. You want to make sure that you build the basics first, or else you will never advance. You want to make sure that these basic buildings are protected. Base building is a complicated task; there are some who will just throw their tier 1’s anywhere they choose, but building placement is crucial when defending your base from attack. Depending on where you build which buildings, the outcome can change significantly. Real life is almost no different, you have to make sure that your basics are secure, strong and you are confident in them lasting. Even if your higher tiers get crushed, at least you can still pump out the basics, surely and steadily.

Lastly is tactical, strategic planning. As a player, and a person in this world/game, you need to make sure that you have a plan, especially if you are part of a team. If your team is disorganized, it’s gg. I didn’t know this when I first started playing, and would build whatever I want, and was lucky enough that my allies were skilled enough to make up for the lacking areas, and that my units were strong enough. Later on however, it became key to communicate properly with my allies. To ensure a strong, solid collective army, each player sticks with a unit type: melee, ranged, caster, air, siege or a small mix of either. In this way, we were able to formulate a strong army which covered all the bases. This of course is still not enough, and I come to the most important part now. It is to communicate clearly, effectively, and above all, have a sense of leadership. More often than not, I find myself having to lead my allies into the fray, as they, individually, are not brave enough to call the shots, for fear of making a mistake.

Planning is a key element in real life, and even though we have no “unit types” in real life, we all have our strengths and weaknesses. It is important that we acknowledge all of them. Strengths are something that we will be able to show to people that yes, we are strong, secure and you can depend on us to get the job done. The weaknesses you should improve upon when possible, when it does not come with a cost. Either to practice the weaknesses on your own time, or to have others cover them when they are strong with it is your own choice. For myself, I find that I am quite insecure about my own self-image. I do not mean physically, but socially, and what other people see me as. To do this, I try to be a bit of everything that I have observed that people like. I tell jokes, I listen to others when they have problems, I try to help whenever possible. Being able to cover all the bases in real life, as well as RTS will make you great at what gamers call “FFA” or free-for-all. You can get thrown into a lion’s den and will hopefully have all the skills necessary to survive. These are the kind of people that become leaders, these are the ones that others look up to. They are able to take care of the weaknesses in the group, and to demonstrate leadership when it is required. Leaders are the ones that will rise up the ladder, while those who focus on only one thing will only go so far.

I’ve been going about this all wrong. It is not a ‘must’ or ‘has to be’. I’ve been confusing it with my schoolwork, and this is a huge mistake. You cannot think of everything as being able to conform to one stereotype, and apply the same method to it, expecting it to work. In fact, there are many things that you have to treat differently, because they require different treatment in order to succeed. Just as different plants require different amounts of shade and sunlight, goals require different treatment from others.

The mistake that I was doing, as I mentioned before, was that I was clumping them all together, and regarding them as all requiring the same treatment. For instance, all my academic goals merely require time, effort and dedication. You need to dedicate towards academic goals in order for them to accomplish them, otherwise they will not happen. The reason behind this though, is because academic goals cannot happen instantaneously, as there are many assignments to work on, consult for and hand in. On the other hand, the goal that I was mistakenly giving the same treatment does not require these things at all. What it does require, however, is confidence, focus and determination. There is never an excuse for rushing something, even if you think that it ‘needs’ to be done by a set time. I’m thinking that I will accomplish my goal by the end of this week, in fact I’m making it my deadline. Just as university deadlines are on Friday, so my goal’s deadline is set for Thursday. I have no hope for accomplishing it tomorrow; I have swim practice right after school, which is somewhat sobering since I don’t really want to go; I have having to walk home with wet hair and feeling gross because of chlorine. As a matter of fact, I am going to be going swimming tonight, and will be driving to the pool. Exciting :3

There are many deadlines that I have to meet this week, personal, social, goals, and of course most importantly academics. By the end of this week, I need to have up to Unit 8 completed for all the courses that I want to submit for universities to look at. There really isn’t any reason to panic though; I finished the last unit for my courses today during school, my project for Data Management. Even though I started the course late, I still want to have at least 8 units in by the time Friday comes around.

Today was pretty slow, even with deadlines approaching. I didn’t see many seniors rushing around to get their units done and in; instead, the school was, at least it seemed like it to me, half empty. The Grade 10’s had gone snow tubing for their gym course, but it seemed like there were a ton of people missing. It wasn’t quiet per se, but it was a great environment to get some work done. It felt empty however, throughout the whole day, as if I was missing something important; which is why I was able to get my functions test done today. Tomorrow is civies day for Haiti, and we can wear whatever we want if we donate 2 dollars towards a good cause. I will of course participate, as I need to have my uniform clothes washed; not all of them went into the machine from last week. There are a few things that I have to do tomorrow, one of them super important and the rest not as pressing. Winter activity day is coming up soon, and I’m pretty sure I know what I want to sign up for. Surprisingly, this week is definitely not as stressful as I had anticipated it to be. Granted, I was expecting to be behind in almost all my subjects, and have to submit multiple, shoddily done units to my teachers to meet deadlines. However, this is not the case as I am very happy to say.

While I have acknowledged that this week should be easy-going academically wise, it is by far a smooth road regarding things not academic. A friend has recently given me extremely bad news concerning their education, which is particularly troubling considering the circumstances of their position. I also have many things that I have to do not related to schoolwork, as they are my own self-imposed goals. Time is not really pressing, yet pressure that I put on myself to get them done is encouraging me just as well, to get them done. Everything is slipping by so quickly, and without being able to get everything done when it should be, it just keeps piling up. I need to get my act together and accomplish my goals.

Anxiety, fueling bodily functions and driving adrenaline. There are some things that you are extremely difficult to describe and this is one of them. I don’t really know what this feeling is, but I have been having it more and more lately. I love it; it tears through my body and my mind filling me with fire. It brings everything to life around me, bursting with bright vivid colors, lighting everything afire in startling detail. Before, this feeling only happened during a martial arts competition, where I was in complete control of myself, and knowing what to do and how to do it. Now…it is the exact opposite; in the situation that it happens I have no idea what to do, nor do I have any plan of how or when to do it. Crystal clarity would not help me either in this aspect; I do not wish to think clearly, especially when this…fevered pitch feels so good. There is only but to wait.

The time is here, yet I balk at the task. Easier said than done, yet all I have to do is say. There are so many complications, which, may I say that always seem to appear whenever the choice rears its head. To make the decision, or to hesitate once more and not acknowledge it as something to do today. Will I procrastinate once more? Or will I be able to conquer my long-existing fears and finally face this problem and conquer it, as I have done with many others. There is nothing wrong with me, no. I am fine the way I am, yet uncertainty makes cowards out of the bravest people. I need to push, to go forward into this uncertain future, yet…it is the illusion of this 50 foot wall which causes me to hesitate. I wish for support, moral or otherwise but there is none. There is just me, and when a problem appears to approach it, there is no encouragement of approaching it head on. I need to concentrate on my goals, what allows me to become who I am, and to forge my new future with this single choice. Whatever my decision leads to, I will have mounted this wall and overcome one of my longest fears. It is not so much the act that I fear, yet at the same time, I am not sure what causes me to balk at the task at hand. I can think clearly and logically, yet, in this cold logical perspective, I still am not able to do pull myself into the proper state of…fulfilling this goal. However…as I listen to these new songs, they have the right mood, I think, and my fear is slowly disappearing. I feel full of a…colder purpose, something which disregards the fear as something detrimental to the task at hand. Even as a type this, I feel more and more dissociated with the fearful coward who had started writing this blog, and more the person that I become whenever I enter into competitions. Emotions cloud proper thinking, and decisions cannot be safely made when emotions are taking a toll on the outcome. If you want to know what song I was listening that saved me, it is below. I am ready.